You cannot tell me
not to run;
just because My shoelace is undone.
Do You not remember
that the time We rode our bikes
together,
it was My helmet You borrowed?
Tell Me not Your concerns
when You know not of Mine.
For it is too late now,
The race has begun
and I am almost finished
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This isnt bad. Actually it was pretty good for the most part. I think it could be a little longer though, you should elaborate more on the points you list in your poems you know. Like explain why it is you feel the way you do and ad a little more emotion in this. I know what you where trying to say and i get it, but its so short that you get to resolution with almost no effort and the reader is left like hanging almost. It feels as if there is a piece missing and that kinda throws of your general intent. I like your wording though and your format was great just add a little more feeling and you should be just fine. great job though and remember poetry comes directly from your soul so let it flow
This is actually my least favorite kind of poem. Even if you take it symbolically the meaning is still so literal. I did enjoy this though. I'm going to be taking the symbolic spin on what I want to say though.
This seems like a question. It would be better as a rhetorical question here. Like, "just because my shoelace is undone?"
I think you should remove this "the" here. With it there it leads me to believe that there were not many previous occurrences between them. Like your entire statement is confined to just this one time, and not to every time something like that this happens. Or did you do this on purpose? Does this happen more often than you imply?
I really like how you capitalize My and You throughout this. It makes it seem familiar and it seems really simply to apply to my own self. Relating is the essence and you make it very easy to! Thanks for sharing.
Also, you need to do 2 reviews for every piece you submit please. This keeps the flow of the site up and we need the site to be up and running so we can continue sharing with each other.